Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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