The maid of honor just puked.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
