he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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