Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
