Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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