on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
