i think i have two assholes
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
