I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
