just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
