I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
