Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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