Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
