Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
