.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
