If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
