she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
