that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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