id be glad to
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
