***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
