I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
