she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
