And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
