There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
