So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
