You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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