woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
