Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
