I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
