You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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