census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
