I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
