your room smells of hookers.
And success
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
