her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
not ubering you a puppy
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
