Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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