i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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