Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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