Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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