I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
