I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Randomize
