It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
