I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
