Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
