Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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