Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
