went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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