I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
So. Much. Porn.
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