oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
