Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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