im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
