when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
